Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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