i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
she smelled like a LAN party
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
