My underwear smells like fireworks.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
