just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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