I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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