I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I'm really busy with my period
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