saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Randomize
