So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
