I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
