whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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