you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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