I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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