Only a mothe r could love this liver
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize