John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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