weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
