i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
