so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
