So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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