If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
