$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Every concussion has its silver lining
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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