The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
what day is it and did you see me today?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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