I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
