I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I forgot wine drunk hurts
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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