Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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