I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
