If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Oh god it's open bar.
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