Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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