Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize