I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
