I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
