just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
