Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
