I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
