we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize