never play flip cup with pint glasses
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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