Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
