you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
