New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
