My nipple is on Facebook.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
