I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
