Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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