rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
