some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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