Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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