forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
