she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I want to be your penis for a week.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
