I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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