Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
