Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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