Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
