Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
