I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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