oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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