apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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