You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
