i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
