what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize