i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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