we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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