how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
