my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
